A Weekly Check-In for Couples

When the only time you talk seriously is after something has gone wrong, every conversation carries too much weight. A scheduled check-in lowers the stakes, because there is always another one next week.

It also protects the good material: what went well, what you appreciated, what you are looking forward to. Those things are rarely raised without an occasion.

Each person gets five minutes to speak, uninterrupted, about what has felt good and what has felt hard.

Then five minutes for logistics: the week ahead, whose turn it is, any arrangements that need to be made.

The last ten minutes are held for one thing you need and one thing you can offer. Keep it small and specific.

Same time, same place, phones away. Predictability does more for safety than length.

Nobody resolves anything during their partner's turn. The job in those five minutes is to listen well, not to win.

If you miss a week, do not abandon the practice. Simply begin again next week.

Pause the check-in rather than pushing through. Agree beforehand on what the pause looks like and when you will return to it.

If the same issue keeps returning, bring it to a session. There, it can be worked with rather than only reported.